Love Me Please – Relationships Are Hard Work

 

 

Let’s examine a relationship between man and woman from the new point of view based on the movie.

 

 

 

Up till now, all articles about relationships were focused on setting how to make the present relationship, at least, acceptable and not to allow collapsing it. However, having set a high standard, that’s saving of sinking ship. When a relationship based on mutual satisfaction of childish desires, then relationship has childish quality – it doesn’t give development, on the contrary – block it.

It was referred a few times, that it’s necessary to “grow” a partner, and that to wait, when happiness comes to your hands itself – that’s the height of naiveté. Near us it is always the person we earn, ant in order to change the level of your relationship it’s necessary to take certain efforts, and not to sit and wait.   

Also, it was said that a man and a woman may be the best psychologists for each other. So, let’s clarify what it means. In this article we will be talking about whom can be a woman for a man, how a woman can “grow” a man and to help him to mature.   

There is no injustice that a woman has to take some efforts in order to grow a man. No! Unfairly is the opposite – when a woman is waiting, when a man will go down on his knees to her and to make happy for the right just to be with her. 

Unfortunately, I have to use the words “need/must”, which may be understood differentially. In reality, of course, nobody is indebted to anybody. When I say, that a woman “has” to take efforts in order to help her man to mature, it’s meant only ineluctability: if the woman wants to be happy with a man, she’ll have to take efforts to his maturing.   

So, let’s turn to the illustration. I recommend to watch the movie at first, and then to continue reading. Although, maybe  it would be better in inverse, cause there is no special plot in the movie, so I won’t spoil your watching by this article.   

Angel A 

I bypassed the movie for two years – I didn’t consider the actor a nice person. However, I watched it, although I didn’t expect something special. It turned out the movie was awesome enough.

The movie is black-and-white, shot with humor and in a somewhat non-traditional manner, however it’s very harmonic – with taste and without unnecessary extravagance. It’s interesting to watch it even without any psychological hidden meaning. 

It’s not important what a director of the movie wanted to show by the film. Maybe  he wanted to show a hard work of angels, or he likes long-legged blondes, it’s more important for us the examples, which we can notice in and to use.

Unfortunately, the last 10 minutes devoted to a milk soppy happy end spoil general impression. For psychological aims, I’d dot in another scene of the movie and in a different way, but nobody asked me))

To obey a man

The protagonist of the movie is a man, introvert, loser. He had so become an inveterate liar and got lost, that found himself on the bridge with desire to drown himself. He had nothing, except debts, so he was ready to jump into water, when a woman appeared near him….

From the first minutes she forced him to act – to stop debating, doubting and dodging, if you have decided – do it! She jumps into water first showing thus an example.

Instead of sermonizing, dissuading or rubbing his face in his own indecision, as women often act with their men, she supports his initiative and helps to do the first step. She helps him to behave as a real man.

And he jumps too, casting aside all doubts, forgetting, that he can’t be called a swimmer at all, he jumps into water to save her. And here it is important not a knightly deed, but the fact itself, that he rushes forward, acts, defiantly fear and all doubts.

He took her out from water, and she does the next step, every woman should learn it – she “gives” herself the man.

She forces him to be responsible for a woman, but not on the conditions which it happens usually on, I mean to throw down her problems and to keep him in check, but as a mature person – in exchange for her will. She obeys a man and forces him to be a man again – to decide and to act.

Here the most important is that she doesn’t drive him, doesn’t oppress and demand nothing. She says – “I’m your now” she obeys his will no kidding, and a man turns out in the “trap” – he is head, he has to decide, and he’s responsible for everything.

Such maneuver requires from a woman breaking down her pride and to be ready to set the heel on the throat of own song. Every woman in relationship with a man wants to be weak, but it’s necessary to be very strong for it.

Only learning to give her will to a man of her own freewill, a woman gets desirable – the opportunity to be weak and a strong man near.

A woman “has” to force herself, in order to not to become a mother for a man, even if he will urge her on to that. Here wisdom and self-control are needed here which a woman possesses – not to win him at any cost, not to subjugate him, but to surrender.

To accept without condemnation

Let’s return to story of the movie. The next revealing moment is how a woman points out a man his blunders. She does that very correctly – rigidly, but without any condemnation. She accepts the man with all his weaknesses and faults – she doesn’t judge him, doesn’t laugh at him, and doesn’t try to tower injuring his pride. She really wants to help him to correct the mistakes.

At the same time, there is no maternity condescension – she stays a woman, which gave herself to this man. One does not exclude the other – she is responsible for her choice and doesn’t require from the man to be different. She just helps him to do what he wants himself – to be stronger and freer.

He constantly gets from her psychological thumps, but that doesn’t humiliate him, cause she’s right and doesn’t try to humiliate him, she tries to help him as hard as she can. Why does a woman need to humiliate her man – in order to be with a cowed miserable creature? Who will win from it?

To learn to accept a person – is the most difficult and important problem in relationships. However, it is the basis, which stable relationship can’t be without and this basis is enough, even if other is going wrong. Loot at yourself in the mirror – can you accept yourself without any dissatisfaction?

To allow committing mistakes

The next important moment, which extremely well showed in the movie, is when a woman allows man to commit a mistake. She knows in advance that the decision, made by the man, will cause loss, but, nevertheless, she allows to get the negative experience. He is losing HER money, but her interference becomes limited to unobtrusive warning about the possible mistake.

That is different from how women (mothers, friends) react usually. It’s believed that to warn a person about a mistake is the extreme display of worry about a close person. However, in practice, such a worry turns out to be more harm than good. The person loses the opportunity to get own experience and to learn something, instead of that his doubts and fear of difficulty become stronger.

Women have good intuition and a task of a woman is to warn a man about possible mistakes. However, the final decision must be a man’s decision. A man must arrive at a decision HIMSELF and get the result he gets. Let it will be the most stupid mistake, but it is the only opportunity to learn something.

It’s necessary to allow making mistakes and to be responsible for it to a man, a child, a friend – that will be display of love, worry. Protecting from fear and troubles is not the one.

Not to have compassion on him 

There are a few interesting examples how a woman can help a man to mature, however those are for you to train your observancy.

And the very last thing I wanna draw your attention to is how a woman helps the man to stop having compassion on himself and to overcome his fear. From this everything begins and ends in the movie. Fear and compassion on himself are the main enemies of men. A woman may be an excellent helper or an enormous hindrance in overcoming them.

I’d say only in relationship with a woman a man can overcome compassion on himself. If fear is the thing a man can overcome himself with, then for winning over compassion a woman is needed.

The thing is that compassion forms as a continuation of the model of a relationship between a mother and a child. Until then a man doesn’t free himself from the limits of the child cliché, and doesn’t learn to perceive a woman as a woman, not as a “mother”, he will compassion on himself.

The example of the woman who loves, however, doesn’t compassion on him, points out weaknesses, however, doesn’t condemn, forces to acting, however, doesn’t manipulate, expects bravery, however not for herself, teaches honesty, however not for herself can ruin that cliché. Many women are able to do that?

The man was weak, dependent and unhappy, however, became strong, free and happy. The woman grew the men and matured herself.

Moral

The woman helps the man to get rid of compassion on himself, and the man helps her to overcome her own pride – this is the sense which relationship can have, if to use it as a basis for mutual development.

Why are those difficulties needed? Why not just to life and enjoy, not taking any efforts? It’s possible…..if you aren’t interested in the result.

Overcoming the two profound troubles – compassion on yourself and pride – it’s the “boundary” which separates happiness from unhappiness. If a person hasn’t done that she/he is lucky if he or she will be satisfied with his or her existence, but will always be at odds with himself (herself) – the person will always need external psychological injection in order to feel normal.

We were talking about female side of the issue, however, of course, a great deal depends on a man. If he doesn’t want to overcome his problems, no angel will help him. And if he wants – no “kicks” are needed – hints and prompts will be enough.

The same is when a man helps a woman to escape from chains of her psychological problems. If she’s ready – everything is easy, if she is not – it’s uselessly to try.